Leeds Banter Archive June 09 2017

 

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09 Jun 2017 22:11:49
I'm f-ing bored, bored and bored with all this no news and credible gossip coming out of er. That bored I'm considering selling my body to fund more betting on who'll be our next gaffer. Does anyone want to buy a piece of me? I don't recommend the liver, too much booze or my brain, too many class a's in my teenage years. Apart from that it's very reliable with one owner from new. Plenty of miles left on the clock. FSH. High spec with air con (farts on demand) and has full access to the wife's central locking (padlocked pants when I want some) . Rear view cameras which can be used to look at fit birds in traffic jams. Only £3499 ono

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10 Jun 2017 10:11:31
Haven't you missed out the decimal point after the 4. Or the 3 !

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10 Jun 2017 14:28:26
Speedy. For £34.99 you can buy my left or right ball if you want? They've served their purpose in life, sporned two little resource drains and only recently have had their plumbing disconnected so no chance of any little accidents. Use them at your leisure, bargain basement price. I accept PayPal, personal cheque or cash on collection. Buyer must dismantle ie bring your own scissors.

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09 Jun 2017 19:54:26
Guy goes for an interview at the zoo. Told the Gorilla has died unexpectedly and job is to wear gorilla suit and replace him. He agrees. Starts on wednesday zoo pretty busy does a good job swinging on tyres etc and kids and families love him. Thursday and friday much the same. Saturday very busy zoo is packed and he is getting great reception gets a bit carried away swinging higher and higher. With one almigjty swing he loses his grip swings up and out of the cage and lands in the lions cage next door. Panicking he starts shaking the bars shouting help get me out get me out. The lion looks at him and says shut the heck up or you'll get us all the sack.

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10 Jun 2017 15:29:27
Ox, don't give up your day job

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09 Jun 2017 18:23:16
And down at the ER recruitment office the lights are still off and phone is still ringing ( hello hello anybody there pick up bloody phone HELLO ! ) Ha ha ha MOT brothers

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09 Jun 2017 17:50:24
If we don't make use of the free transfers from the PL then we need our heads checking. There are a couple of players (realistic targets) who could do a great job for us!

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10 Jun 2017 01:04:49
I posted a list of potential free players a few weeks back Cura, for me (and if none of these have signed contracts since) Stockdale (gk) , Caceres (cb) , Taylor (cb) , Fryers (lb) , Adam (cm) , Ledley (cm) , Barazite (am) , Seferovic (st) and Sanogo (st) could all do a job for us.

I also earmarked Solanke (st) , who has gone to 'Pool I think, good signing if we could get him in on loan though, could be next seasons Abraham.

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10 Jun 2017 07:54:30
Don't forget flamini onf that list

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10 Jun 2017 13:14:34
Would have taken him last year but he is another year older and his wage demands will be high, would rather take someone with a guaranteed 2 or 3 seasons left in the legs. Ledley is the pick for me but I wouldn't be disappointed with Adam.

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09 Jun 2017 17:35:33
Singer songwriter Craig Davidis to accompany the British Archery team on their next tour. He won't be shooting any arrows, he's just the bo (w) selecta!

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09 Jun 2017 17:40:27
Is that Craig David's Greek cousin?

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09 Jun 2017 16:01:05
Ok this is my suspicious mind going, could I be that monk had been tapped up, knew he was leaving and therefore didn't persue Bartley, knowing he could sign him permanently in the summer at borough as they can afford him? 🤔

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09 Jun 2017 17:27:29
Not suspicious. Highly likely imo

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09 Jun 2017 19:52:04
I could be caught in a trap, one that we can't get out of, all because I love you too much Speedy. Why can't you see, what you're doing to me, when you don't believe a word I say? - I'll give you one guess what kind of mind I've got?

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10 Jun 2017 07:55:25
Lucas, we can't go on together!

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09 Jun 2017 15:31:33
An Irish man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me three pints of Guinness, lad". The bartender obliges and the Irishman lifts two of the three glasses to the air, as if toasting some invisible person. He then set them down and finished all three glasses by sipping from one, then the next, and the next until it was empty. Bartender, naturally curious, asks what's up. "Oh, me two brothers all live far away. Since we can't meet and have a pint together, we do it from afar like this. " This continues for a few more months, until finally, one day, the Irishman only orders two pints of Guinness. Bartender notices this and says solemnly, "Only two today? I'm sorry. Did one of your brothers pass away? " "No, no, nothing of the sort. I've stopped drinking! "

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09 Jun 2017 13:59:50
Imagine if Jaap Stam gets offered the job. What's the title of his programme notes going to be - Jaap's Eye? MM

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09 Jun 2017 15:17:13
MM, talking of unusually named managers, I see Hull City top that billing now. With all the Yorkshire derbies in the Championship next season, didn't think they had to get around like that!

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09 Jun 2017 17:52:31
That new hull bloke won't stay with them for long before he finds another club he falls in love with.

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09 Jun 2017 13:53:43
Had to go to the doctors yesterday to have a mole removed from my penis -- it went well but the RSPCA went mental and are taking me to court

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09 Jun 2017 15:18:33
How did the RSPCA even find out Kray? Oh I forgot. You had a mole.

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09 Jun 2017 15:35:41
Now George that reply is actually funnier than the initial joke! 😂😂😂

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09 Jun 2017 13:40:14
A man walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrinks says "well, I can clearly see your nuts!

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09 Jun 2017 12:51:16
Shakespeare walks in to a pub. Barman says - get out, you bard. (works better read out loud) . man walks into a bar. says ouch.

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09 Jun 2017 13:38:46
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here. ” A time traveller walks into a bar. MM

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09 Jun 2017 12:47:59
PersonalLy I think monk to boro is fantastic news for us! Means we don't have to worry about boro in the playoffs or automatically going up. plus its 6 points in the bag as anyone on here will be able to name his squad, formation and style of play months before the match even kicks off! On that score then just 34 points required to avoid relegation! 😂

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09 Jun 2017 13:00:05
Ha ha ha nice one Cura!

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09 Jun 2017 17:37:09
best joke yet!

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09 Jun 2017 12:45:43
whats brown and sticky? a stick.

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09 Jun 2017 11:33:42
One day my son came home from school with English Homework and asked me "Dad, what's the difference between 'hypothetically' and 'reality'? so I said to him go upstairs and ask your mum if she would sleep with Bruce Willis for a million quid! so off went No 1 son and came back with mums answer "Of course she would, he's her idol and she would never waste such an opportunity" so then I said ask your sister if she would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million quid? off He want again and came back with "she said Yes in a heart beat, He's my fantasy! So! I said to my son "theres your difference 'Hypothetically' we are sitting with 2 millionaires, but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 sl*ts. "

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09 Jun 2017 12:57:12
its funny because its true.

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09 Jun 2017 06:56:58
No doubt Theresa May will be the next person linked with the LUFC manager's job once she picks her P45 up later today. MM

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09 Jun 2017 07:24:30
Quite possibly

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09 Jun 2017 09:02:05
MM, no parliamentary government for May but at least she can form a paramilitary one. Lol. That should rule her out of the top job in the country at ER. Or maybe she still has an outside chance? Lol.

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09 Jun 2017 11:34:52
Happy Friday everyone, UK and LU are in a 'transitional period' or as I like to call it, a right old fecking mess. Hopefully, both will be sorted soon. Good call about TM. To tell you the truth I'd rather see her as LU gaffer than UK PM, we've had far worse in the past. I'll get right down to the bookies in my lunch hour, hopefully today I'll come out unscathed.

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09 Jun 2017 13:41:12
Damn, she's only gone and kept herself in a job by forming an alliance with the DUP. Don't worry though Lucas, I've just seen on odds checker that Nick Clegg is now in the running! MM

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09 Jun 2017 15:11:25
The ParaMilitary Prime Minister. Her and the Hock would make a good circus act.

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